19th

It was my 19th birthday yesterday. It was the most solemn birthday I had. It wasn't as jolly as my previous birthdays. It was somehow gray, to be honest. I was dealing with my personal issues like depression, anxiety, final grade stuff, family drama, suicidal tendencies, poor self-esteem ,and poor body image. Sometimes, I envy other teenagers since almost their lives were seemed to be all in place. They haven't have too much issues to deal with and I think their wits were strong enough to handle it. 

Unlike most well-known teenage fashion bloggers, I don't have money to buy myself some really posh clothes nor go in hip bazaars in World Trade Center.  I don't drive my own car. I never came from a high-class private university. I don't have thousands of followers on Instagram. I can't afford to travel in order for me to go hiking or chill in the beach for IG-worthy photos. I don't get invited in cool events. And if I get free stuff, it's more likely I won in some giveaway in Instagram. I don't have a pretty face. My face are full of blemishes. I wasn't blessed with a thin body frame. I can't even imagine myself wearing bikinis at the beach. I wasn't even fair-skinned nor smooth-skinned since I have scars all around my body. I am not good at interacting with people and disliked having to deal with too much of them. I am a total emotional wreck with trashy grades. Even changing my crappy attitude is a big struggle for me.

A day never passed by without me having suicidal thoughts. 

Even so, these imperfections make me me. Maybe I have something good in me but I could not see it. Or refuse to see it. The reason why I also come off as arrogant is because my perception of myself is trash. I was trying to lift myself because deep inside, I always put myself down. If I have a dollar for every instance I have disappointed people around me, I would be probably be a multi-millionaire. 

May God Bless my poor, lonely soul. Probably Satan was having fun burning it. 

Sorry if I have rambled too much. I got carried away. I just took the opportunity to give you a taste of  the real Raj behind all these "fashun" escapades. My mind is a scary place to be in and I don't think 

that Professor X would even want to read it.

Yesterday, my photog slash close friend went to the hospital to see me. Grandpa got confined and I was assigned to watch over him. Luckily, his siblings were there and they agreed to let us out for two hours. So we decided to eat at Shakey's. Good for us that there was an arcade there and somehow, it ebbed my mind off from the issues I have been facing for a little while. 

It doesn't matter if I wasn't that geared up for my birthday. Wearing a simple tee, shorts, and flip flops is a common sight here in the Philippines especially during summer. It's hot outside and we wouldn't want to be roasted under the heat, right?

           Spirited Away Top:    Hot Topic

           Black shorts:              Next Jeans

           Flip flops:                   Banana Peel 

           Totoro Sling Bag:       Hot Topic