06-06-2016

Despite my poor attempts to keep my happy facade up, the sadness and the anxieties always find their way into my mind. For years I have been battling depression. I never knew how it started. All I know that when I started contemplating suicide, it never stopped. It never had stopped. 

When all things fail, family will there for you. I don't think I can believe that anymore. I don't know if I can believe that wisdom crap anymore. In my own opinion, family is the most judgmental group of people you will ever have in your life. Their eyes are blind with the good things you have done, with all the positive points you have. They are dismissive of your accomplishments, whether they are big or small. They are lions, watching your every wrong move. Finding excuses to make you feel trash. Finding excuses to belittle your humanity so they can feel good about their cursed, blown-up egos. Bullying is rampant in our own families, it's just that society is so blind. Society thinks it's just the proper way of motivating us. Well, I beg to disagree.

Family are the people who will put you down until you are pushed to the edge of the cliff. Then speak sweet, regretful lies at your wake. 

My own family laughed at me at my suicide attempts. Yes, I attempted suicide endless times. They don't know how much I prayed to God to kill me during my sleep. They don't know how I wished a large truck with a broken brake would come hit. They don't know how I wished a madman would just come around and shoot me with a gun. In the end, I don't want to kill myself with my own hands. But if the opportunity wants to kill me, I would do so with open arms. If you wanted to ask if I tried talking to them because of my depression, I did but none of them would listen. Some even viewed it as an excuse to be dismissive of my well-being. 

I am rarely allowed to get out of the house but I don't want to remain in this house. I want to go out and forget about everything. 

I just want to die. Period. Or probably get away from here.